I have consciously distanced myself from this blog for a few weeks now for a few reasons. Firstly, I was becoming obsessed with this blog and spending far, far too much of my time thinking about it. Secondly, I was concerned that the constant introspection was perhaps not conducive to my recovery. Thirdly, the therapy started going badly and rather than focus on the negative which I would have done had I written about it here, I wanted to try and keep my mind focusing on positive things.
I’m still taking the Fluoxetine, and it has been about a month since my last therapy session. I have my sixth and final session next week. Despite the therapy going badly, I have decided to see it through to the end. The therapist feels I need to continue therapy for anything up to another 4 years… even twice a week. That isn’t going to happen. I can’t afford it so it is not an option for me.
My mood has mainly been good since my last post. I’ve had some rough times at work with my boss, but remained strong and in control of my mood throughout. I feel pretty strong and my outlook is generally positive. I am drinking too much, and smoking too many cigarettes and joints, but I am not drinking with the specific intention of getting drunk & forgetting my problems. One key thing is that I’ve stopped beating myself up about my bad habits which is both good and bad… good because I’m just generally happier as I am not constantly criticizing myself about everything I do and I’m just letting myself live without constant guilt. Bad, because I’m drinking & smoking more which I think is having the general effect of making me constantly tired. I am not however, turning up to work every day with a hang-over. Some people would be justified in saying that this is not a good state of affairs for me, however I enjoy it, and for now I am just letting myself unconditionally enjoy it.
I have been wondering whether to slowly take myself off the medication. I don’t want to be on it for the rest of my life and I have a suspicion that it may be the meds that are making me constantly tired rather than the alcohol & joints. If I start slipping back to that dark place again I can just start taking the medication again and then at least I’ll know…
My friendship with the guys across the road has continued to grow – they really are very good friends to me now and I spend a lot of my time with them. We have regular boozy evenings chatting & having a laugh. I might be drinking more but at least I’m drinking with other people and not by myself now.
So, onwards I shall plod with my life, I will do my last therapy session, I will try and ween myself off the meds and see how it goes from there. If there is anything of interest to report I will come back here and share it, otherwise I will continue to stay away and concentrate on living my life. I wish all of you who have offered words of encouragement and support all the very best – you have my heartfelt thanks for listening and sharing your thoughts and comments. You will never know quite how much you have helped me.
The road before me now, has a tinge of gold to it.