The Road Ahead

I have consciously distanced myself from this blog for a few weeks now for a few reasons. Firstly, I was becoming obsessed with this blog and spending far, far too much of my time thinking about it. Secondly, I was concerned that the constant introspection was perhaps not conducive to my recovery. Thirdly, the therapy started going badly and rather than focus on the negative which I would have done had I written about it here, I wanted to try and keep my mind focusing on positive things.

I’m still taking the Fluoxetine, and it has been about a month since my last therapy session. I have my sixth and final session next week. Despite the therapy going badly, I have decided to see it through to the end. The therapist feels I need to continue therapy for anything up to another 4 years… even twice a week. That isn’t going to happen. I can’t afford it so it is not an option for me.

My mood has mainly been good since my last post. I’ve had some rough times at work with my boss, but remained strong and in control of my mood throughout. I feel pretty strong and my outlook is generally positive. I am drinking too much, and smoking too many cigarettes and joints, but I am not drinking with the specific intention of getting drunk & forgetting my problems. One key thing is that I’ve stopped beating myself up about my bad habits which is both good and bad… good because I’m just generally happier as I am not constantly criticizing myself about everything I do and I’m just letting myself live without constant guilt. Bad, because I’m drinking & smoking more which I think is having the general effect of making me constantly tired. I am not however, turning up to work every day with a hang-over. Some people would be justified in saying that this is not a good state of affairs for me, however I enjoy it, and for now I am just letting myself unconditionally enjoy it.

I have been wondering whether to slowly take myself off the medication. I don’t want to be on it for the rest of my life and I have a suspicion that it may be the meds that are making me constantly tired rather than the alcohol & joints. If I start slipping back to that dark place again I can just start taking the medication again and then at least I’ll know…

My friendship with the guys across the road has continued to grow – they really are very good friends to me now and I spend a lot of my time with them. We have regular boozy evenings chatting & having a laugh. I might be drinking more but at least I’m drinking with other people and not by myself now.

So, onwards I shall plod with my life, I will do my last therapy session, I will try and ween myself off the meds and see how it goes from there. If there is anything of interest to report I will come back here and share it, otherwise I will continue to stay away and concentrate on living my life. I wish all of you who have offered words of encouragement and support all the very best –  you have my heartfelt thanks for listening and sharing your thoughts and comments. You will never know quite how much you have helped me.

The road before me now, has a tinge of gold to it.

Be happy.

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About RescueMyLife

I am a single man, 45 years old living in London and working in the media. My life is complex and I have decided to try and make some sense of it. I am writing this blog anonymously as I believe that only by remaining anonymous can I be honest and speak freely about my thoughts and feelings. I have no idea where this blog will take me...
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10 Responses to The Road Ahead

  1. Pandora says:

    Good luck, mate. I hope it all works out for you.

    • RescueMyLife says:

      Thanks Pandora, and thanks for reading & commenting over the last few months, I really have appreciated it so much (& that goes for everyone else too!).
      I intend to continue to post updates every now & then so I won’t disappear completely…
      RML

  2. petlamb2 says:

    Your introduction stated your desire to find a golden path and to hear now that you can see a tinge of that gold is heart warming indeed. I am just so pleased to see that you have written; I cannot tell you how concerned I was after your previous entry. And despite your experience, you have seen your therapy through. You are an inspiration Caramel and I am sure your strength of spirit will continue to help you stay strong.

    Give my love to those two guys across the road from you – we could all do with friends like that and I am so glad you have them.

    I wish you well. You are so right to just get on with the positives and to live your life. Your writing this time has a calmness I have not noticed before. Be that down to the drink, the joints or the fluoxetine who knows and who cares. Stay well my friend.

    With love, Anne

    • RescueMyLife says:

      Thanks Anne,
      It has been a hairy year, but the road ahead is now tinged with gold. There is of course still a long way to go, and there will be more ups and downs, and I will drop by here and share from time to time.
      I will post another entry soon – unfortunately the guys across the road are moving out and back to one of their mothers in Grimsby in 5 days because they are both out of work, unable to find work and horribly in debt – absolutely heartbreaking for them (and me!) but sadly I am not of sufficient means to help them financially any more than I already have. Life really can be cruel sometimes…
      Hope everything is ok with you.
      RML

  3. Sheila says:

    Part of what I wrote disappeared. You are taking an anti-depressant and then flooding your body with central nervous system depressants in booze and pot. Doesn’t make much sense. Slow down on the coffee, cigarettes. Go to a gym. Work out. Feel better about yourself and take care of what you can control. Drinking every night with the lads is going to give you a morning of a hangover.

    • RescueMyLife says:

      Hi Sheila, as you might have seen from some of my responses to other comments, I have now come off the anti-depressants. I’m still drinking and smoking, but not to the extent it effects my daily life (perhaps my short-term memory a little!). I rarely have hang-overs so I do have some control over my consumption even though regular. The booze I will continue to drink, the spliffs I will be cutting right back on again soon. I’m afraid me and the gym have a deep-rooted and irreparable personality clash, but I do walk to work every morning for half an hour so at least I get a little exercise! Thanks for your suggestions – you are of course right, not least because all these things are bad for my health, but at the moment they give me pleasure and pleasure is something that has been in very short supply for me for some time now so I take what I can get.
      RML

  4. Jenna says:

    Heyy there! How have you been doing since this post? haven’t heard from you in a long time – even on twitter. Thinking about you ❤

    • RescueMyLife says:

      Hi Jenna,
      Thanks for the message that is really kind of you – in fact you spurred me into replying to all the messages I’ve been so rudely ignoring for the last couple of months so thanks for that. I will post another update in the next few days.
      All the best
      RML

  5. Ryan says:

    I’m glad that you are happy. Being off the meds and any booze is best. Your title reminds me of what my teacher once told me. Slowly turn up the heat and the frog will not move, throw the frog in boiling water, it’ll jump out right away.

    • RescueMyLife says:

      Hi Ryan, I wouldn’t quite go as far as to say I’m ‘happy’, but I am undoubtedly ‘happier’ now. I have now come off the meds, but there are no plans to come off the booze… perhaps to cut back a little….
      RML

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