The Drugs Don’t Work

Today is bad. My mood has slipped into blackness again – the drugs aren’t working. The only difference they appear to be making is that this time I feel nervy and anxious as well. Not a nice combination. I was ok this morning, I even got an ok nights sleep as I banished the cats from the bedroom. But I am so fed up with turning up to the same old crappy job, listening to the same old bitchiness from my colleagues, doing the same old boring admin… if I can’t do something about this soon I think I’m going to meltdown.

I think I’m going to have to book another appointment with the doctor to discuss the fact that the medication is not helping. My mood still chugs along somewhere near the bottom – as long as the mood isn’t black I consider that a good day… but it isn’t. I have no interest in seeing friends or going out, work bores me to death, my life is so fucking dull I despair. Problem is I’m in such a bad place that I don’t actually want to do anything. I spend all my free time watching crap sci-fi boxsets and crap tv. I don’t want to go away on holiday, I don’t want to stay at home, I don’t want to go to work, I don’t want to see my friends or family… what the fuck else is there?? Jesus this is getting out of hand I seem to be powerless to help myself. To be honest the ONLY thing I have to cling onto at the moment is this piece of shit, self-indulgent blog about my boring, underachieving, miserable, fucked up life.

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About RescueMyLife

I am a single man, 45 years old living in London and working in the media. My life is complex and I have decided to try and make some sense of it. I am writing this blog anonymously as I believe that only by remaining anonymous can I be honest and speak freely about my thoughts and feelings. I have no idea where this blog will take me...
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7 Responses to The Drugs Don’t Work

  1. petlamb2 says:

    Make that appointment now! Get off the prozac if you feel it is doing you no good. The only reason they start you on that is that you have to start somehwere and prozac is known for having generally mimimal side effects. It doesn’t mean it works for everyone. I have been on a range of meds and now after 15 months (yes, 15 months which included 2 suicide attempts, the start of me cutting myself – I am 51 years old and would never, NEVER have thought I had it in me to do that) I am now on an anti-dep which is enhanced by a low dose anti-psychotic and I am sleeping 6 hours solidly (3 would have previously been a good night for me) and I am functioning so much better. My energy is even returning.

    If I was close to you, I would shake you. No one tells you this bit but you have to work through it. I can’t tell you how angry I am, not at you but at the experience we share. You must please go back to your GP – he sounds a decent chap and get him to think again. There are a lot of options out there and he will try something else. I can now do my job again, OK I invariably start the day in tears but by now I am fired up and going for it. OK I could kiss my family farewell and live on my own but with a special needs son it just ain’t that easy. PLEASE REPLY AND TELL ME YOU WILL GO TO GP. Your blog is good, it is a wonderful piece of writing but get out there and do something else too – with people. Join a running club, or a choir, do zumba, anything but get in with a gang of non-work people and remind yourself that you are not tying to be normal, just to be you. You, but feeling a bit better than you are right now. You can do it. You must do it because if you can’t what hope is there for the rest of us that follow you. I so need to know that we can get through this.
    Ask someone for a hug – just say you are having a shit day and need a hug. Feel that connection. All can be well but my friend you have to get behind the wheel and make it so.
    With warmth.

    • RescueMyLife says:

      Thanks for your support I really do appreciate it. The first thing I did was phone the doctors surgery and try and book an appointment which unfortunately wasn’t as easy as I’d hoped, so I had to settle for a phone consultation. I’m still waiting for the call.

      My problem is that when things get bad, my natural reaction is to lock myself away and hide from everyone. Living by myself makes that all too easy. I have in the last year made friends with 2 of my neighbours – my next door neighbours who are a lesbian couple and a gay couple who live opposite… it would seem I am not the only gay in the village…

      I get on with them very well and often spend evenings with them. The gay couple across the road are older guys who are both on medication for depression too… what a happy bunch we are. It is however, a support system that I am incredibly fortunate to have formed – although the girls don’t know about my depression… nor have I told them I’m gay. The guys across the road I can talk to about anything. I haven’t seen them for a couple of weeks though so perhaps I should pay them a visit tonight with a bottle of wine (even though I’m trying not to drink on school nights at the moment).

      I haven’t quite got to the hugging stage with them yet though, so I’ll have to continue to rely on my cats for that.
      Thank you again for your concern and your suggestions – it is appreciated.
      RML

      • petlamb2 says:

        Thanks for the note. I hope you got the call from the doctor eventually and arrived at a sensible outcome. Take care of you.

  2. Simonetta says:

    Hi I have sent you a message on Twitter. You do seem to need something new. Some structure maybe too. Someone to talk to?

    • RescueMyLife says:

      Thanks for your message Simonetta. Yes I do definitely need something new, but I need to find something (anything!) that even vaguely interests me first! I think finding a new job is key for me. My talking therapy starts in a couple of weeks time. I’ve also decided to keep taking the Prozac for the time being.
      RML

  3. Jean Davison says:

    I’ve been hesitating to post a comment when I can’t think of anything helpful to say. I remember so well how depressed I used to feel with a crappy boring job and a life so fucking dull I despaired. Your words ring so true as you describe your experiences and feelings so well. It’s horrible to feel like that. When we’re in such a dark place it can be almost impossible to believe things can ever get better. But eventually I found that for me they could and they did and remained so. I do hope you, too, will emerge triumphant from all that you’re going through. Warmest wishes.

    • RescueMyLife says:

      Hi Jean, Thanks for your message all the way back in June. Sorry for the delay responding. It sounds like we have had very similar experiences and it’s great to hear that you found your way out of the darkness. I am about to write a new post giving an update on everything so won’t go into detail here, but although things aren’t exactly perfect right now for me, the one main difference is that I feel stronger and more positive and I feel hopeful that it won’t be too long before things start slotting back into place for me.
      All the best
      RML

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