Spiraling Out Of Control

I feel dreadful. I feel like I have hit the bottom and now I’m digging. I thought that the relief of seeing the doctor last Thursday would have perked me up a bit – made me feel things were moving forward and made me feel more positive. But no. I have that awful empty, hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach, my thoughts are negative and aggressive, I’m zoning out all the time, feeling randomly emotional at the slightest of triggers. My walk into work is usually tranquil and therapeutic, but over the last two days, it has served me badly. I start the walk feeling ok, but by the time I reach the office 25 minutes later I have worked myself up into an absolute state by having imaginary arguments and confrontations with my boss mainly – inventing situations and scenarios at work in my head that would lead to confrontation. Imagining what I would say back to her (my boss)  if she did this or said that. It’s not good, it’s not healthy and I can’t stop it. By the time I sit at my desk I feel so low that I can barely function. This is actually terrifying me as usually when my depression is bad I can still function, still do my job, still talk to people and think straight, and avoid confrontation! This is different and I don’t like it. It is having an effect on my ability to function and people are noticing – including my boss. I have no control over my black mood and I feel like I am trapped in a downward spiral and I can’t pull myself out.

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About RescueMyLife

I am a single man, 45 years old living in London and working in the media. My life is complex and I have decided to try and make some sense of it. I am writing this blog anonymously as I believe that only by remaining anonymous can I be honest and speak freely about my thoughts and feelings. I have no idea where this blog will take me...
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