I am really struggling to keep my head above the water at the moment – one day I’m ok, the next I’m slumping back into the darkness – my mood swings are usually much slower and broader – this bumpy up & down somewhere near the bottom is starting to do my head in.
I think this blog is not helping in that respect – it is keeping all the issues too close to mind and preventing my natural repair system – I just keep raking open the wounds. So I have decided to limit how much time I spend thinking about and writing this blog. I refuse to give it up at this point even though there is good argument to do just that, because I think it is also doing me some good.
I have also decided to go to the doctor about my depression / mood swings. This will be the first time in my life I have gone to the doctor about my mental health and I’m not convinced it’s the right thing to do and I am certainly not looking forward to it. My GP is a bit of a grumpy miserable old git, and I am a little concerned that he will be less than understanding. It is such a big deal for me to go to the docs about this, that I worry I will totally flip out if he makes me feel like I am wasting his time. The appointment is next Thursday morning so I have until then to change my mind.
I seem to have a constant lump in my stomach at the moment which I can only describe as a cross between the feeling of nostalgia, loneliness, anger and sadness. It’s not good. The problem is, every time I pour more crap out into this blog, the more pronounced it feels, and the more regularly I feel it. Ripping open my chest and pouring my heart out apparently doesn’t come without quite a substantial amount of pain.
My fight with this terrible bleakness has become a constant daily battle recently, and at the moment, I don’t appear to be winning. None of my usual tricks are working – they provide momentary relief at best, but I seem to always equalize back way below the ‘normal’ line. What I am feeling right now, almost feels like I am craving something, but don’t know if it’s food, water, alcohol, sweets, cigarettes, drugs, company, sex…. so I try everything in an attempt to sate it, only to realise afterwards, that the craving is still there. Untouched. Unchanged. It’s all very confusing, frightening and unpleasant.