Doctor – admission of defeat?

I am really struggling to keep my head above the water at the moment – one day I’m ok, the next I’m slumping back into the darkness – my mood swings are usually much slower and broader – this bumpy up & down somewhere near the bottom is starting to do my head in.

I think this blog is not helping in that respect – it is keeping all the issues too close to mind and preventing my natural repair system – I just keep raking open the wounds. So I have decided to limit how much time I spend thinking about and writing this blog. I refuse to give it up at this point even though there is good argument to do just that, because I think it is also doing me some good.

I have also decided to go to the doctor about my depression / mood swings. This will be the first time in my life I have gone to the doctor about my mental health and I’m not convinced it’s the right thing to do and I am certainly not looking forward to it. My GP is a bit of a grumpy miserable old git, and I am a little concerned that he will be less than understanding. It is such a big deal for me to go to the docs about this, that I worry I will totally flip out if he makes me feel like I am wasting his time. The appointment is next Thursday morning so I have until then to change my mind.

I seem to have a constant lump in my stomach at the moment which I can only describe as a cross between the feeling of nostalgia, loneliness, anger and sadness. It’s not good. The problem is, every time I pour more crap out into this blog, the more pronounced it feels, and the more regularly I feel it. Ripping open my chest and pouring my heart out apparently doesn’t come without quite a substantial amount of pain.

My fight with this terrible bleakness has become a constant daily battle recently, and at the moment, I don’t appear to be winning. None of my usual tricks are working – they provide momentary relief at best, but I seem to always equalize back way below the ‘normal’ line. What I am feeling right now, almost feels like I am craving something, but don’t know if it’s food, water, alcohol, sweets, cigarettes, drugs, company, sex…. so I try everything in an attempt to sate it, only to realise afterwards, that the craving is still there. Untouched. Unchanged.  It’s all very confusing, frightening and unpleasant.


About RescueMyLife

I am a single man, 45 years old living in London and working in the media. My life is complex and I have decided to try and make some sense of it. I am writing this blog anonymously as I believe that only by remaining anonymous can I be honest and speak freely about my thoughts and feelings. I have no idea where this blog will take me...
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2 Responses to Doctor – admission of defeat?

  1. Pandora says:

    In my view it’s the opposite of admitting defeat: you’re taking decisive action to try to help yourself rather than just lying down under things, which would be the easy (if troubling) thing to do.

    Some doctors are complete cocks re: mental health issues, especially if (to use their apparent thinking, not mine) it’s “just” depression. In my experience said doctors think you’re having a few bad weeks and are trying to “medicalise” that. I’m sure it’s true in some people they see, but I hate the blanket objections they seem to make.

    Having said that, some of them are fabulous and will be supportive from the word ‘go’.

    Do you want to try medication, do you want a referral to a CMHT member, or both? What worsens/improves your depression, or is it mostly non-reactive? Any history of trauma, however slight it may seem? Prepare yourself by having answers. Also, particularly in the case of idiot doctors, I think it’s important to clarify that you are there are there, in part, as a preventative measure. Things are shit, but if you don’t do anything about them now, they’re only going to get worse. You have a job and don’t want to have to take time off, for example – practical things as well as introspective things.

    So you’re doing the best thing you can and trying to get help before things escalate. If he won’t accept that and doesn’t offer you any help, are there other GPs in the practice? Whatever the case, get a second opinion – it’s your perfect right. Personally I’d also stick in a complaint about a failure to recognise that mental health problems are just as valid and debilitating as physical ones, but then I’m bitter.

    Good luck! You’re doing the right thing.

    • RescueMyLife says:

      Thank you Pandora – your advise is really appreciated. And thank you for making me feel better about seeing the doc about this. As I mentioned I have never been to the doctor about my depression, never been diagnosed, never taken drugs for it, so all the clinical stuff is totally new to me and I don’t even really know what to expect. Last summer I had 3 sessions with a local psychotherapist just to dip my toe into it all. It was interesting, but ultimately I was just talking about stuff I’d already been over in my head a million times and telling it to someone else, although quite liberating I suppose, ultimately didn’t help. I know therapy will take a lot longer than 3 sessions, but I just felt this particular type of therapy was possibly not what I needed.

      Regarding medication, I don’t know. I suppose I would rather try and tackle this without the meds. I’ve heard that they make you feel a bit numb & I’m not sure I like the idea of that. Being a musician I worry it will kill my creativity. I also can’t see it doing much good for my already severely lacking motivation. I know nothing about them though & I might not be correctly informed about meds so I suppose it is something I should consider once I have all the facts.

      There are other GP’s I can see if mine reacts as I suspect he will – thanks for reminding me that I am entitled to a second opinion, I don’t feel quite so nervous about going now. I will try and remember your fantastically frank words if it all goes wrong next Thursday and I know it will bring a smile to my face: ‘some doctors are complete cocks re: mental health issues’. Love it.

      Thanks for your kindness, support & advice – particularly about how I should approach the subject when I do talk to the doctor – I’ve been worrying about what I’m actually going to say to him all day so that’s a real help.

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