Nothing excites me any more. I want to know why. When I was younger I’d get excited when it snowed, by thunder & lightning storms, about booking a holiday, about going on holiday, getting on a plane, getting on a train, about playing another game of Civilization on my computer, recording music, meeting a famous person, watching a new boxset, making long term plans, the list goes on. Today? None of it does (with the exception perhaps of a heavy thunderstorm which still manage to capture a glimmer of the child in me). So what went wrong? Where did it go? Has the excitement gone because I’m just getting old? Or has the excitement gone because I am more depressed than I realize & I perhaps need help? I have no idea.
Life without excitement is, well, dull. There must be a way to reignite the fire in my belly, my love of life, my spirit of adventure, my lust for knowledge and experience? I don’t want to be that person lacking motivation, resigned to apathy, depressed and gloom ridden. That is what I am becoming and that is what I must fight.
I have in fact been thinking about all this for several years, but ultimately it is still defeating me. For example, I identified 4 years ago the fact that thunderstorms still excite me, so I decided I should go on holiday to somewhere that has lots of thunderstorms. After several hours of googling I identified the border of Uganda & Congo as having more thunderstorms than anywhere else in the world. So I started to plan my trip to Uganda (Congo not being the safest of countries to visit). I got really quite excited about it. Then before I knew it the ‘high’ was over and I decided not to go. I think I realised that I didn’t really want to go alone. I wanted to share the excitement with somebody, but I am (and have always been) single, and my friends are either married / have families or would not be in the slightest bit interested in such a bizarre adventure. Also Uganda is a fairly hardcore destination to go to for the sole intention of witnessing a few thunderstorms. The idea got shelved. I think perhaps Florida would be a more realistic destination…
Similarly, I looked into where & when I could go and see the Aurora Borealis / Northern Lights, as this is one thing I absolutely must witness before I die. The same thing happened though – it is an experience I want to share with someone not by myself. The difference here though, is that if I have to, I will do this alone. I somehow don’t think it will be as magical by myself though.
This seems to be pointing somewhat towards the issue of relationships / being single, which isn’t something I really wanted to go into in this blog, but perhaps I shouldn’t avoid it… food for thought