Self Analysis 1 – aborted adventures

Nothing excites me any more. I want to know why.  When I was younger I’d get excited when it snowed, by thunder & lightning storms, about booking a holiday, about going on holiday, getting on a plane, getting on a train, about playing another game of Civilization on my computer, recording music, meeting a famous person, watching a new boxset, making long term plans, the list goes on. Today? None of it does (with the exception perhaps of a heavy thunderstorm which still manage to capture a glimmer of the child in me). So what went wrong? Where did it go? Has the excitement gone because I’m just getting old? Or has the excitement gone because I am more depressed than I realize & I perhaps need help? I have no idea.

Life without excitement is, well, dull. There must be a way to reignite the fire in my belly, my love of life, my spirit of adventure, my lust for knowledge and experience? I don’t want to be that person lacking motivation, resigned to apathy, depressed and gloom ridden. That is what I am becoming and that is what I must fight.

I have in fact been thinking about all this for several years, but ultimately it is still defeating me. For example, I identified 4 years ago the fact that thunderstorms still excite me, so I decided I should go on holiday to somewhere that has lots of thunderstorms. After several hours of googling I identified the border of Uganda & Congo as having more thunderstorms than anywhere else in the world. So I started to plan my trip to Uganda (Congo not being the safest of countries to visit). I got really quite excited about it. Then before I knew it the ‘high’ was over and I decided not to go. I think I realised that I didn’t really want to go alone. I wanted to share the excitement with somebody, but I am (and have always been) single, and my friends are either married / have families or would not be in the slightest bit interested in such a bizarre adventure. Also Uganda is a fairly hardcore destination to go to for the sole intention of witnessing a few thunderstorms. The idea got shelved. I think perhaps Florida would be a more realistic destination…

Similarly, I looked into where & when I could go and see the Aurora Borealis / Northern Lights, as this is one thing I absolutely must witness before I die. The same thing happened though – it is an experience I want to share with someone not by myself. The difference here though, is that if I have to, I will do this alone. I somehow don’t think it will be as magical by myself though.

This seems to be pointing somewhat towards the issue of relationships / being single, which isn’t something I really wanted to go into in this blog, but perhaps I shouldn’t avoid it… food for thought

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About RescueMyLife

I am a single man, 45 years old living in London and working in the media. My life is complex and I have decided to try and make some sense of it. I am writing this blog anonymously as I believe that only by remaining anonymous can I be honest and speak freely about my thoughts and feelings. I have no idea where this blog will take me...
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4 Responses to Self Analysis 1 – aborted adventures

  1. Gemma Nicholls says:

    Hi
    I’m finding your blogs really interesting…I often get stuck in what I call a hole…life seems meaningless, no interest in the things I use to love. So I write, about everything and anything, I generally never find the answers but I often think the answers are not the answer themselves but the journey (if that makes sense). I hope that your journey will take you to somewhere beautiful, to an existence where you can once again enjoy the simple things in life!!

    For the record this year I want to do the following (I read your blogs with the most recent being first): –
    Learn to play guitar
    Write my screen play
    Go on a holiday where their are mountains
    Get super fit (exercise and playing sport really helps me deal with my mental illness)
    Save some money so I can go on holiday (that should probably come first)
    Be happy with being by myself

    Its an organic sort of list 🙂
    I think we all need to be comfortable was being on our own but life is more real when its shared! I hope you find your way through this..I will continue to read your blogs with interest and hope!
    Gem xx

    • RescueMyLife says:

      Hi Gemma,
      Thank you for your message and your kind words.
      Your comment about ‘life being more real when it is shared’ is actually something that I intend to explore in more detail in this blog.
      I have a lot of thoughts about that…
      All the best
      RML

  2. mrsp says:

    I have this issue too, I find when medicated I am numbed, when not I cannot find enjoyment in things I used to. No win siuation. I focus on little things. Am trying ‘Mindfulness’ as a tool to get me to notice stuff too.
    I wonder if there are not stormchasers with whom you could visit some areas? Do they only do this in the USA? Maybe you could seek others to go with by joining groups etc. Perhaps you do so already. Just a thought. Good luck with the list.

    • RescueMyLife says:

      I haven’t ever been to the doctor about my depression, so have never gone onto medication – I’ve heard about it’s numbing effect and not sure I like the sound of it. Sadly I don’t really have time to go stormchasing, but it does sound like a lot of fun. I think stormchasers do exist in the UK, but we generally don’t have storms on the same intense level as the USA so ultimately I don’t think it would live up to my expectations.
      Thanks for your thoughts
      RML

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